The Questions That Snagged My Heart

After reading my last post – the one about the officer who reached out for help, the officer I nudged toward a colleague as my stint ended – a dear friend asked, “What would you say to that soldier if you saw him again?”

Great question.

I’d say this:

“Sir, it’s been several years since you and I sat together, but I have not forgotten you. I have not forgotten your anguish or your despair. I have not forgotten the courage it took for you to reach out, to speak about your crumbling world. I have not forgotten the profound honesty you brought with you each time we met; I have not forgotten your tears, or your relief in facing all the things that had gotten jammed up inside. I have not forgotten the way you were just beginning to find the edge of hope.

I remember all of those things so clearly;
I can picture each exchange we had, even after all these years.

I also have not forgotten how very much I wanted to handle things differently during that last phone call, when I told you I was leaving the base the next day.

I’m more sorry than you know. You deserved better. You took a risk. You asked for help. You told me – with blazing vulnerability and sincerity – all about the web of pressure and stress that you were caught up in. You let me see how desperate you were; you held nothing back.

You deserved better.
I didn’t follow my heart in that moment.
I was the good employee instead of the gracious counselor.

Please know, Sir, if I had it to do over again, I’d toss the rules.
I’d offer you my number and tell you we could talk as long as you needed to in order to get things lined up again inside your heart.
I’d say, “I’m right here. Let’s keep going.”

Those rules I was following? They’re part of the reason I couldn’t keep doing that job.
I couldn’t bear to turn someone like you away when all you wanted was a safe place to say, ‘Please help me.’

You have my sincere apology.
And you have my utter care and concern.”

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Previous Comments:

lai says:
October 30, 2014 at 5:22 pm  
OMG you are so right!!!

Elizabeth says:
October 30, 2014 at 7:40 pm 
Thanks so much, Dag. All a great, great learning for me.

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Linda Hansen says:
October 30, 2014 at 5:36 pm  
Elizabeth
Your heart is a shining example of real LOVE
Linda

Elizabeth says:
October 30, 2014 at 7:41 pm
Linda, Thank you. Perhaps (in this instance) my heart is a shining example of humble learning. I’m grateful to that officer for the chance to find my ‘better’ heart!

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Cindy C says:
October 30, 2014 at 6:56 pm
Glad for you for the healing that comes with writing this.
Glad for him that he began to find the edge of hope.
Powerful stories.

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Bob says:
October 30, 2014 at 9:08 pm  (Edit)He told me to tell you,
“I thought about googling you, but decided it wouldn’t be appropriate. I wanted to tell you that pushing the “End Call” button on my phone felt like being consumed by a dust storm on the Afghan desert. Alone…buffeted…bereft…paralyzed. I just stood there. Minutes later I “unfroze” and looked up. The first thing I saw was the Military1Source card you gave me early on. I called the 800 number because I wanted anonymity. I didn’t want to start another relationship with someone who would leave soon. 
“It was the darnedest thing. I heard myself talking on the phone as if I was someone else in the room. I was watching and listening to this guy on the phone. He was talking to a guy. That was good. Someone who I wasn’t going to get to know, come to depend on, or ever talk to again, and he was a guy, not a woman.
“I told him my counselor left, only it sounded like I was saying, “My mom just died.” He didn’t laugh at me or say, “That’s stupid, man. Grow up.” I was prepared for that. If he had I knew I could just hang up. But he didn’t.
“He was pretty weird. He just kept asking me about you. ‘What was talking to her like for you?’ ‘What was the best part of having her to talk to?’ ‘If she was still there what would you want to tell her?’ ‘How do you think she would respond?’
“So there I was talking to him, only it was me having the conversation with you! I didn’t miss a beat. I’d say what I wanted you to know. I’d hear what you would say back and just said those words out loud. It was pretty amazing, actually.
“About the time I had nothing left to talk about with you, the guy said, ‘Sure sounds like you’ve got her with you. You can talk to her any time you want to. You’ve made a solid attachment. Congratulations.
“I really wanted to tell you; the you not in my head, but I couldn’t until now. I’m really okay. You were the first person I can remember having that kind of connection with. I used it to model what I wanted from others. I have a lot of darn good connections now. Things are better than I imagined they could be. With connections life just seems better. And I still get to talk to the you in my head! Thank you for getting the ball rolling. I’ve got a great return on the investment we started.

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danny johnson says:
October 31, 2014 at 1:42 pm 
I think Bob said it all…

Elizabeth says:
October 31, 2014 at 2:33 pm 
Maybe. I tend to look squarely at the moment of our exchange – there was such wounding in being turned away. I hope I cross paths with him one day. I’d savor that moment to apologize and speak these words . . .

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Julie says:
November 1, 2014 at 4:55 pm 
I continue to be touched by the stories you share and how you present them. However, perhaps as much as the stories themselves, so many of your posts stay with me. I believe I will continue to look back to these situations and that they will make me slow down, look at things more carefully, and hopefully from a broader point of view.

Elizabeth says:
November 3, 2014 at 12:37 am
Julie – yes. That’s exactly what happened for me in this work: my view broadened, my perspective changed. I saw the world differently. Thanks so much for your comment.

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