Elizabeth Heaney
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Fallen Heroes And The Journey of Gold Star Parents

4/25/2016

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Just watched an astoundingly poignant 60 Minutes episode on Gold Star Parents, those who have lost a son or daughter to combat. It’s the kind of thing we all need to watch in order to understand the isolating loss they each carry in their hearts, the grief they face, the unique experience they walk through.

​You can watch it below or here.
Let me know what you think.
Better yet, let me know what you felt . . .

View More: Newsmakers News|60 Minutes News|Live News|More News Videos

Previous Comments:

Bob says:
April 25, 2016 at 9:27 am 
Psychiatrist Abigail Brenner wrote in a Psychology Today article, “In the natural order of things, parents are not meant to bury their children, yet through illness or accident, a parent’s worst nightmare can and does occur.” You and I have attended Memorial Services for fallen Soldiers, in which at the “Last Roll Call,” the air feels like it’s being sucked out of the Chapel as mourners hold their breath for “Here, First Sargent,” the response that never comes. The family members in the front pew are still in shock. Sometimes, so are we. This Memorial Day, after getting to sleep in, and before firing up the grill, I hope I see people gather to honor the fallen and to hear parents tell the story of the one they lost.
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The Honor Was Mine - Coming Sept. 2016

6/21/2015

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Dear Friends,


I’m so very pleased to let you know The Honor Was Mine, my book about counseling combat veterans, has just gotten a contract for publication. I truly couldn’t be happier. Wild thanks to Renee Fountain of Gandolfo Helin & Fountain Literary Management – she’s been terrific to work with; I am ever-grateful she understood the heart of the book.


Release date is Sept. 2016 (go ahead . . . I’ll wait while you mark your calendar).    : )
Thanks to all who’ve been supportive along the way. I hope these soldier stories are just getting started on their journey.

Previous Comments:

Bob says:
June 21, 2015 at 3:44 pm 
CONGRATULATIONS!! 🙂 The test strip is blue with a + sign. Yay. You’re having a book! Hope you have time and energy to celebrate. Honored to cheer with and for you. No rushing. Well still be there, impatiently pacing and alerting all our contacts to pre-order. So proud that your message will get out there. Standing by and grinning. Great job staying with the process, E.
Elizabeth says:
June 22, 2015 at 7:02 pm 
Big thanks, B – yes . . . Blue with a + sign!! Stayed tuned, my friend.

danny johnson says:
June 21, 2015 at 4:06 pm  (Edit)Their will be no better book deserving publication in 2016 than this one, because it comes from the heart and honors those who have stood shoulder to shoulder on the front lines both at home and abroad…I am very proud of Elizabeth’s fortitude and determination to present these stories for all to appreciate and many to be comforted by..Well Done.
Elizabeth says:
June 22, 2015 at 6:58 pm  (Edit)You know these stories from the other side, my friend. Hope they honor you and everyone who ever wore a uniform and served. Thank you. Always.


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Those Who Torture

12/15/2014

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In the swirl of horrors and reactions related to last week’s torture report, I came across this very fine essay written by an Army veteran who later worked as a civilian interrogator at Abu Grahib.

When we think about the issues surrounding torture, we rightfully focus on those who have suffered from being tortured. Eric Fair poignantly and powerfully reminds us that those who torture might also suffer. He doesn’t hold back in confessing his culpability – he also gives us a chance to understand how his own choices and actions haunt him to this day.

You can read it here.

Previous Comments:

Kat says:
December 15, 2014 at 1:52 pm
Such a confusing mix of emotions; heartbreak…what to say, how to hold the sadness and compassion for all involved. Then the next thing I read provided some words for me:
Lord, grant us the grace to weep over our indifference, over the cruelty that is in the world and in ourselves.
– @Pontifex, Jul 12, 2013
Thank you for your writing and for helping to bring these issues back into our focus when it woud be easier to dismiss them.
Elizabeth says:
December 15, 2014 at 4:41 pm 
Thanks, Kat – indeed, how to open ourselves up to the astoundingly confusing mix that arises with a situation like this. Yes.

Jenifer Morgan says:
March 24, 2016 at 4:12 pm
It is so far to hold all sides compassionately in so many arenas! Thanks for this big step toward that capacaity.

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Touching And Difficult Encounters

10/8/2014

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People ask me what was the most touching (or most difficult) thing about working with the military, and there’s innumerable rich or challenging moments I could list on both sides of that question. I’ll mention a few in my next posts . . .

I’d just finished a briefing to a large auditorium of soldiers, telling them about the counseling services I offered on the base. I kept emphasizing that it was confidential – nothing would go in their records. My cell phone rang as I walked back across the base to my office.

“I just heard you talk about your program. I never knew we could get counseling that wouldn’t go into our records.”
I assured him: no notes, nothing in his files, his commanders would never know he talked to me.

“I’ve been desperate. I’ve been praying for something that would help me. I think this might be it,” he said, his voice choked with emotion. “When can I come in?”

“I’ll be in my office in ten minutes and  . . .” I said; before I could finish my sentence, he said, “I’ll be there.”

A few minutes later, the high-ranking officer dropped into the chair across from mine and put his head into his hands. When he looked up, his black hair was swirled and spiked from the way he’d pushed his hands through his hair. His face looked sadder than any face I’d seen in a long time, his eyes filled with angst and his mouth tight with tension.

He began to talk about an issue he’d been struggling with for years – an issue that would interfere with his career if it became known. Recent work assignments had dramatically increased his stress levels, and he was beginning to crumble with the tension of his personal issue and the job stress. He had never spoken to anyone about his concerns, and he cried as he told me about how unbearable things had started to feel.

When our time ran out on that first day, I asked if he wanted to come back the next day. He wordlessly nodded and thanked me profusely as he left my office. The next day, he again poured out all the anguish he’d been trying to manage. He came in a third time in that first week. I felt like I was watching him find some steady ground under his feet after years of treading roiling, dangerous waters of stress and secrets.

A few days after his third session, he called to let me know he’d been temporarily assigned to a distant base for a project. He told me our conversations had been greatly helpful, and he would call me as soon as he returned.

Weeks passed, and I didn’t hear from him. I thought of him often, and kept hoping he was still doing well. The day before I was leaving that base to move to a new assignment, he called to tell me he was back from his project and wanted to continue our exchanges. When I told him I was leaving and wouldn’t be able to talk to him, he instantly got choked up, “What am I going to do? I need to talk to you.”

I assured him he could continue his work with the counselor who was replacing me. “But I don’t want to talk to someone else. You already know me. You already helped me. I don’t want to start over again.” I heard the despair creeping back into his voice.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, “I have to hand you off to the new counselor.”

According to my contract, I was not allowed to have contact with service members once I left a particular base. While I could see the reasoning behind this restriction (wanting soldiers to access the arriving counselor rather than trying to work long-distance with the departing one), I chafed at it. And in this instance, as the officer said good bye and hung up, I felt bad for sticking with the rules. All the reasonable logic in the world didn’t weigh an ounce when up against the anguish that man was swimming in.
To this day, I wonder what happened to that officer.
I wonder if he got more help.
I wonder so often how he’s doing and how that issue unfolded.

And I feel I made the wrong choice.
I stuck with the rules; I did my job as assigned.
And I regret it.

Previous Comments:

Sara pearson says:
October 8, 2014 at 4:05 pm
Beautiful beautiful beautiful
So huge
Yes yes
And arriving here at a perfect time
Thank you
Elizabeth says:
October 12, 2014 at 12:41 am  (Edit)yes, it was a huge experience, all around. Perfect word for it. Huge.


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    Elizabeth Heaney - Author

     Clinical Psychologist, teacher,  private counselor. She speaks and writes about her work with service members.

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